To stop the feelings you must stop the thoughts. To stop the thoughts you must stop the breathing. To stop the breathing means to be condemned
You heard my stories in detail of the abuse I endured.
You saw the bruises and cuts I had received.
You felt the tears as I buried my face in your chest
You were disgusted and mad about the things those people did to me
You made me fantasize about the life I could have with you
You swore over and over and over.
You spent phone calls convincing me you would never do something like that to me.
You took me out on Valentine’s Day to the beach you hadn’t been to ever on a holiday like that.
You said no one would ever know more than about you.
After all that, tell me how you could lie to me and ghost me.
April 24th, 2019
My Forbidden love have come to rest once again in my black and bruised heart. My body knows relaxation once again. Air seeps in, moments, later out. Weightless as a feather, still as the dead. Nothing more beautiful than being one with with your soul, mind, and body. Blood flowing as though brand new. Pulsing as the fears, pains, and shames fades away. Light begins to shine once again. As the worries disapate. Colors bleed through the darken world. My demons begins to sleep as the one ess takes over. Oh, how I’ve missed you, My Forbidden Love. Always in the back of my mind, flooding my body, laying beneath my skin. Our live, conquers all, once again. Shows me who is true, and me by being used. Confidence and rawness fills my lungs, once again. My Forbidden Love, you’ve captured and control my heart; once again.
March 24, 2020
You called and asked to hang out, said you missed me.
I knew that I should have said no, but I couldn’t resist.
Alone with my demons, alone with you.
One hit, evergthing comes back again.
All the love I’ve have for you, and once again
Bound in the Forbidden Love.
Another, another, hold it, another.
Keep going till my vision is too blurry to see
My heart starts beating fast, as my breathing slows.
Fall onto the bed, feels like I’m drowning.
Maybe this time will be it
Your hello is my goodbye.
March 22, 2020
The love is Stronger than the hate
When it comes to our relationship
I hate that you bruise e
I hate that you are killing me
Yet, I love how peaceful I’ll go
I love the false sense of peace
I hate who I become when I’m with you
I isolate, stop eating, can’t sleep
Yet you unlock someone new
Determined, peaceful, screamer
Oh yo others, you do more harm than good
To me, you revive me again
Yet while killing me slowly
That is why my life is stronger than my hate
Even tho I love the feeling that my White Dove gives to me I know deep down it’s killing me. But the love we share is greater than the hate we split.
Addiction is addiction. It doesn’t matter what you are addicted to. Drug addiction isn’t any worse than porn or work addiction. It isn’t less than alcohol or sex addiction. There is no level worse than another. Addiction is anything you can’t control your usages or whatever. It’s an unhealthy amount of something. Addiction is no different than any other sin. Sin is sin…no matter what your sin is. It shouldn’t separate us because we all sin. Just because you aren’t an addict doesn’t mean you are better than those who are. We are all the same, we are all human. Please remember that the next time you try looking down on an addict. We struggle with something that isn’t just a mental battle but also a physical one. We will mess up, we can’t be strong 24/7 every day. We will fail…and that’s okay as long as we don’t stay there. Yes we must rely on God (or higher power)…but we are still human and will fail. Doesn’t mean we never changed or didn’t want to. It means we are human.
Thanks for joining me! I hope you can find comfort and hope in the things you read as you realize that you are not alone. So many people want to heal but first they must acknowledge the pain, accept that’s it’s okay to feel it, and then know it won’t last forever.